Mothers always know

just what to say.  I emailed my mom this AM about how I thought I must be having a midlife mental breakdown, so of course she called me when she got home from her job this afternoon to see what was up.
After I explained everything (see previous post), she told me to just stop thinking about having done the wrong thing and just do what I want.   As long as my monthly bills are covered and basic needs are met, she wondered why I am worried about anything else.  I wasn't sure why, just because, well, it seems so wrong to not be working and to be trying to do something I want to do.   I guess I'm afraid of failing, so maybe it'd be better to just stop doing it and immediately go back to my safe zone of cubicleville and suffer quietly for the next 20 years.

With that thought, it occurred to me that maybe I am just so far out of my comfort zone already, that the "safe, afraid" me is trying desperately to swim back to safe ground, so is trying really hard to freak the other me out and scare me enough to just stop this madness.   It is scary to do things not in one's comfort zone, but it is also a wonderful way to learn and grow.   It hasn't been that long since I was working, so I can still remember my complete boredom and feeling of misery from being stifled and stagnant doing the same thing day after day.  I should be proud of myself for actually taking action and escaping that situation, not cowering in the corner half wishing I was back there and trying to find something similar.   That is the same mindset an abused person has when it comes to the abuser,  he/she wants to escape, but continues to return to the abuser usually because of fear of the unknown.   I do NOT have fear of the unknown, so there is no reason for me to want to return to my safe zone.  I have shelter, water and food, clothing and health.  Those are my basic needs, and they are all being met, with no threat of any of them being jeopardized any time soon.  I need to be rejoicing and reveling in my current situation and letting my mind and imagination have free reign.

I think my next step needs to be to start reading a lot of self help books so I can learn how to live like I really want to live from others who have been there.   First on the list, is a book that our Amway upline let me borrow, "The Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson.   Life is short and I don't want to waste it by worrying or second guessing myself for the rest of my existence.  I can do this!