Fork in the road

     For the past couple years I have been at some sort of fork in the road of my existence.  It started as "Finding myself at 40 and 3/4", but obviously I haven't yet found myself and I'm now 43 and 3/4.  I do think, however, that I may have stumbled upon a signpost with an arrow pointing in a most unexpected direction. 


     I suppose that until about 3 years ago, I thought I'd be where I am now forever, well at least until retirement.  Although life had its ups and downs, for the most part, up until then, I was generally satisfied with my lot in life and could see myself just hanging around doing as I had been until I could retire and then begin a new chapter of life.   When I turned 40, though, I began to feel discontented.  It was September that it started,  I remember taking a walk and coming up with the idea of Hopeful Valley website and trying to figure out what to put on the website and exactly what it would be for.   Since then, I've been a roller coaster of enthusiasm and frustration mixed with confusion and indecisiveness.  I knew I wasn't happy, but didn't know what to do to make myself be happy.
     I tried some home based businesses, worked a bit on writing, tried to be artistic, opened an Etsy shop and purchased a whole lot of thrift store stuff to try and sell and/or upcycle.   Now I have a basement full of stuff, 3 businesses I'm not passionate about, and lots of unfinished stories in my head that I may still write one of these days. 

     While I still would love to be self employed someday and be able to make a living and pay my bills and living expenses by doing my writing and being my own boss,  I do know myself well enough to know that I'd probably die of stress related illness if I didn't have an assured bi-weekly paycheck constantly in my future.  I may have the potential characteristics of being an entrepreneur, but I do still have the old fashioned, instilled belief that you must work for somebody else or starve and be homeless.    So while I try to be positive in my businesses and know I need to be patient and give it time, build it and it will come and so on and so forth, I never felt really that comfortable with the idea of NOT having a "real" job.

    For the past year or two, I have also had an interest in learning how to be naturally healthy.  Using a neti pot, trying to eat more vegetables and fruit, and other small changes interest me, but I fight with myself because I have (had) this feeling of "what's the point, I'm going to be here doing this same thing for the next 20 years, who cares if I'm healthy or not, there isn't anything to look forward to."   Nice fatalistic thought, huh? 

     I am happy to say I think I have figured out what I want to work towards for this next half of my life!   I'm excited about it and hoping it will work out.   Trying to be positive, but also realistic in case I find some burps that I have to get around, but I do have a sense of renewed excitement about life and working towards something new and different.   It's a very lovely feeling and has given me renewed interest in wanting to eat healthy and be healthier and embrace other enjoyable things in life.   Sadly I got a cold and feel miserable today, so the joy and excitement of having a tentative plan to get out of my current life that seems to have become a hole I can't climb out of is tempered by itchy ears and stuffy nose and scratchy throat.  But, if I do start feeling better, I'm hoping that I can start actually living life again instead of just existing.